I made a tour lj.

x_tragic affair

Its last time and this time around, and a few bits in between.

Feel free to lurk :]

There are a few places in the world that just own my heart. So simple, so specific. The most random places that just make me feel so at home, even if I'm so far away.

The Telstra Dome. Underneath the main sign on the city side, looking out over Melbourne. Surrounded by strange, strange sculptures.

At the old table and chairs in the backyard of 39 DeHavilland Drive, Alice Springs. With the homemade bar and the dancing fish.

The roof of the Greenhouse Backpackers Lodge in Melbourne. On the far right, on the sun lounge in the corner.

A small stretch of street outside The Point Hotel in Brisbane. On a broken brick wall next to a long driveway, under a small, scragly tree.

The departures lounge at Adelaide Airport. The gates 1-20 side, with the broken travelator, next to Cibo's and HMV.

Notice anything about them all?

Take me to any of those places and you will own my heart.

Its the little things that make my day.

The abbreviation for a flat white coffee at my work?

F.L.W.

Makes me smile every time.

Today I wore my pyjama top to work. I rule.

Tomorrow I'm working 7.30am - 9.30 pm. Bleaugh.

Maggi noodles are one of the most underrates foods ever.

But I will never let the bitter things you say ever get to me.

Hjskjdfkjfdhfjfmdmdskanahwotjdbhcxmalcnklfngur.

Jdjofztjuajdnhfg.

Hahsgf.

Fucking hell!

Whatcha doing?
Nothing much. Lying in a fort we built in Nikki's room.
A fort?
Yes. A fort.

You're just jealous coz we have a pink fort at 4 o'clock in the morning and you don't. And you should be jealous, coz it's the best damn fort I've ever seen. The people who built it must be pretty awesome. Or those who lay on the floor and watched us build it...

Happy Birthday Gee. Wow, 30. I'm proud of you. <3

I can't believe this is the first time we've all hung out since tour. Its been way too long. Listening to the Melbourne show last night was hard. But it was not as hard as I thought. Having all of us here made it easier I think. I would have been a mess by myself.

No matter what happens, no matter how little I see them or if we don't talk for a while, I will always have something I can't describe with these girls. Because of what we did, what we've been through and seen together. Talking about tour, random things other people will never find funny or understand. Planning next tour. Next tour. It can't come fast enough.

Starbucks bitches fo'lyf yo.

Fuck. I can't do this. I need to go back, my heart can't take it.

I miss not knowing every 2nd person on the street, the dusty heat and nothing being more than 5 minutes away. I miss sleeping in caravans and on sofa beds and free coffee and mars bars. I miss picking on you and hugs and 70s karaoke and laughing.

I hate that you are all so far away. I never know anything going on in your lives. And you don't know about mine. I hate that noone recognizes me because its been so long since I saw them. And you, my little darling. I don't get to see you grow up, see you every week. It was easier not knowing you, coz then I never had to live without.

I miss you more than I did yesterday.

Holy shit I cannot believe how much happier I am when I'm not in Adelaide. Don't get me wrong, I love it. But... There's just so much shit there. Its like a weight lifted off me to not be around it.

I think I need to get out.

(But only if you come with me.)

You ever have those dreams where you wake up and you're just like 'what the hell was that?'

Billie Joe, Mike, Tre, Adie. Me and Melon. A tour bus. Crazy fans. A fancy dress shop. A camera. And a lot of alcohol.

Haha I can't stop smiling.

I've been back 20 minutes and I already wish I was staying longer. Fuck I miss this place. Its small, its dirty and hot and smelly. There's nothing to do here and there's aboriginals everywhere.

But its home. And I love it.

I'm sitting by the Torrens. This time by myself. Oh what a different feeling I have compared to last time I was here. If only you knew what I'd do to have that back. To be where you are now, together again.

Some seagull is trying to steal my lunch. And I think I'm going to be in some guy's graduation photos. Sucks to be him, a great milestone and in all of his pictures there's some emo girl in the background who can't find the motivation to get up. Or to do something.

Believe me, I've tried... Its just fucking hard.

Perhaps you could just walk up and punch me in the stomach? I'm pretty sure I'd get a similar feeling to what I've got right now. Except that wouldn't be there all the time, eating me from the inside out. And I would know how to stop it.

Why doesn't anything bad ever happen to the people that deserve it? Instead, it happens to the people I care about This isn't fair. I wish there was something I could say that didn't make me sound like a spoilt little kid. But all I can think is that this isn't fucking fair.

As if this wasn't hard enough for him, now this as well? Do you want him to fail? To screw up again when he's so close to turning it all around? I have faith in him... But its fucking being tested.

And her? If this isn't ok... Just, no. Of all people, all the fucking people in the world, why her?

But of course, great things come in threes right? Because now I have this to deal with too. I say 'deal', but I wouldn't say I'm dealing with it very well. With any of it really.

Game on life. Game on. Fucking punch me one more time.

Isn't this what you wanted? What you asked for?

Well congratualtions sweetie, you just got it.

My stomach is burning.
My eyes are burning.
My heart is fucking burning.

Well lets go back to the middle of the day that starts it all. I can't begin to let you know just what I'm feeling.

What the fuck do I do to deserve this bullshit? I try and be a good friend and help the people I care about the most, and they fucking spit in my face. You know what? I’m over it. I’m done.

I have done nothing wrong, I have done nothing but try and help you when frankly, you probably don’t deserve it and this is the repayment I get? Open your fucking eyes. Take a look at what you’ve got before you throw it away because its all too hard.

You want me to hate you? Keep treating me like this and I will. You want to loose everyone? Congratulations, you’re well on your way. Why not hurt everyone on the way out too?

And for the record, to be able to forgive yourself for something, you have to stop doing it.

Have I ever mentioned how much I hate livejournal and myspace? Well I do.

Not mine, mine is love. But everyone else’s. Just tell me what you fucking want to say and be done with it. I know I’m guilty of it too, sometimes it’s just easier that way.

But this time, I need to know what’s going on. This is killing me and I need to hear it from you.

And you need to understand, because it will make things easier. Fix them? I don’t know. At least I will know I did everything I could, and if you still don’t want that then there’s nothing I can do.

Promise me if I do this, you will do the same? Don’t leave me hanging on because its all too hard, or too painful for you to do the same.

I miss you...

Family. Anger. Vodka. Sauce. Bus stops. Randoms. Dan. Good Charlotte. $19. Vodka. Awkward. D&Ms. Confusion. Hip hop. Indians. Foot in mouth. Anger. Revenge. Torn. Vodka. Scared. My Chemical Romance. Tears. Chasing. No shoes. Dancing. Toilet floors. Vodka. Emotions. Free drinks. Crazy. Green Day. Hugs. Whores. McDonalds. Talking. Sleeeep.

Well that was an interesting night.

Can't sleep.

Thoughts will eat me.

Do I get up and go to work?

Or do I continue to lie here with my boys keeping me company?